“You have to look people in the eye.”
“Always keep eye contact when introducing yourself”.
“Eye contact is the key to a good first impression.”
By the time I was 21, I had heard all the personal improvement tips about the importance of eye contact.
And even though it was repeated over and over again, I still ruled it out. It wasn’t a high priority for me at the time.
I see this same mentality in the guys who come to me for help. As I walked around Barcelona, I encouraged a client to commit to maintaining strong eye contact with the women he greeted. He felt a little overwhelmed, overwhelmed, and finally burst out, “What’s the big deal with eye contact? Why do we focus so much on that?”
I thought about how to explain the deepest reasoning to him. I wanted him to know that eye contact is much more than a skill to practice. It’s a sincere way to express yourself and communicate meaningfully with other people.
I wanted you to really understand the old adage, “eyes are the windows to the soul.”
Looking someone in the eye is not just a great trick to look safer. It is a fundamental component of the human connection. It’s how it builds trust, creates intimacy, and reveals your inner strength.
So today, my goal is to show you what lifelong engagement with eye contact will be like deeply transform your relationships.
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Eyes are not just windows, they open doors
Eye contact is a form of nonverbal communication. Non-verbal cues talk a lot about us, whether we realize it or not.
When someone speaks to you, they are gathering information about you from multiple sources: the tone of your voice, the rhythm of your speech, the position of your body, and of course the quality of your eye contact.
All of this plays a crucial role in how you are perceived. Are you friendly Are you nervous? Are you dangerous? Are you honest?
People decide how they feel about you based on your eye contact and facial expressions. These clues help them to find out your emotional state and your intentions.
Remember that a new person he doesn’t know you. They have nothing else to make a quick judgment about you. So you have to make the most of the first few moments you have with them.
Without strong eye contact, it’s hard for them to come to a positive conclusion about you. They are more likely to be suspicious, apprehensive and closed. They have no reason to open their hearts and take things beyond the level of the surface.
Your job is to use non-verbal communication to show your best self. Without it, you have no basis for trust and therefore connection.
Look and you will be received
So your eyes tell a story for themselves. They have a powerful effect on the recipient and influence how they will feel about you right now.
I know it’s hard to imagine how something as subtle as eye contact can make such a big difference. Let me give you some examples of how it affects your connections more than you think.
When you look at a woman while flirting, you show your natural leadership and sexual desire for her. This further awakens a woman who is attracted to you.
When you return the smile to the woman on the other side and do not break eye contact until you do, you show your unshakable confidence. Feel your audacity and get more intrigued by it.
When your friend loses his job and you look him in the eye, put your hand on his shoulder and promise him, “Whatever happens, I’m always here for you.” – you give him the confidence that he can trust you, that you are loyal and that you care about him. This builds a lifelong friendship.
When your employees are hesitant about a product launch due to some issues and look at them and say, “This is just another temporary hurdle. We’ll overcome it as we always have.” – they can feel your unshakable faith in them. Rest assured that you will not give up and that you will all be able to persevere together.
When you present a product to investors, your direct eye contact convinces them that you really believe in your work. This builds confidence in you and your commitment to the product.
When you smile and make eye contact while inviting a girl out, show her genuine warmth and enthusiasm. This helps him to overcome his fears and doubts about taking risks with a stranger.
When your friend is struggling after a breakup and you look him in the eye and say, “He’ll be fine, man,” give him hope that there will be more in life to wait.
When you interview for a job and keep in touch while they ask you difficult questions, it shows them that you know your stuff. They are more likely to trust you to represent yourself accurately.
When you maintain eye contact for a few seconds before going for a first kiss, you increase your sexual tension and communicate what you are about to do. This gives her time to prepare and excites her for the big moment.
When you first show up, strong eye contact helps women see your humanity and feel that you are not hiding anything. Encourage them to lower their guard because they feel that you are kind and not dark.
When you enter into more intimate discussions, closing your eyes shows a woman who is not ashamed to talk about these topics. This makes her feel that she will not be judged and she can also talk openly about her sexuality.
When you are in intimacy with a woman, maintaining deep eye contact shows your immense pleasure and overwhelming desire. This makes her wild and makes her more likely to have a powerful orgasm.
When your wife has a bad day and you look at her with love and ask, “What can I do for you now?” – reminds him of the love and security he shares with you. This helps her to feel safe talking about her problems and then moving on.
When you look your dying relative in the eye, you show him compassion and comfort. They are less afraid of what is to come.
In all of these situations, eye contact is the difference between a passing moment or an unforgettable shared experience.
Jellyfish and the fear of the gaze
By now, you understand how vital eye contact is to human emotional connections. But that doesn’t make it any easier to put it into action … especially with certain people.
Fear not, for this struggle is as old as time itself.
The ancient Greeks told stories about the female monster Medusa. She turned anyone who looked at her to stone.
I think this accurately describes how many men feel trying to make eye contact with attractive women. God forbid they look them in the eye, or else they will be completely frozen in their place.
Often, boys don’t even realize they’re doing this. It is such a deep-rooted response, usually out of fear or shame of revealing their romantic interest.
So when you know you have to look at a woman, you may feel anxiety rising in your stomach. To combat this feeling, either: break eye contact early and often, avoid it altogether, or do what I call “my look.”
By “look” I mean when you’re looking at a woman but you’re not really looking at her and her face. You are almost looking Through she. You are not really aware of what you are saying or listening to their answers in depth. You are only waiting when you can look away.
When you do this, you are treating a woman like a real jellyfish! You’re setting it up like a scary monster in your head. You’re treating him like he’s someone you shouldn’t look straight into his eyes.
You start to lose the sense that she is different person, just like you. And you put it on a pedestal.
You are sabotaging this human connection because you cannot afford to be present with it. You’re not really seeing HIS facial expressions and HIS non-verbal cues. You are not feeling her energy or emotions to help you interact with her.
I this is why your conversations end up being clumsy and forced. You had to fabricate your answers in your head instead of vibrating the other person. You found yourself nervous, disconnected and as if you were doing an act.
But once you really look a woman in the eye, when you finally face the big Medusa, you’ll realize that all your worries were a big fictional story.
Closing your eyes with her allows you to read her and feel her warmth, kindness and emotion. This, in turn, gives you the green light to dig deeper and enjoy talking to her. With your facial expressions and gestures you become more aroused, kinder, more natural. You enter into your most attractive self.
And all of a sudden, you’re no longer a kid looking at the face of a scary monster, you’re a man looking into the eyes of an equal.
The way you see others is the way you see yourself
Most importantly, good eye contact not only tells other people that you are a confident and trustworthy person … you also tell them yourself.
Whenever you avoid eye contact with someone, you are unconsciously convinced that you are not good enough. That you are not worthy to connect with them. That should embarrass you to come.
I think that’s a big part of why so many men never feel comfortable with attractive women. Or around anyone they perceive as superior to them, as superior to work.
These guys are destroying their self-esteem by training no feel the same.
Poor eye contact causes weak connections and awkward exchanges. As a result, they are rejected and treated worse.
This only serves to prove the reason for believing that they were unworthy and unattractive in the first place. It is a vicious and self-destructive circle that needs be broken.
So it’s time for you to make a full commitment to face people face to face … forever.
I’m not just talking about practicing looking in someone’s direction a few times. I’m talking about totally accepting that I really WANT people to look at you, look at you and see you as you are: faults and all.
This is the only way to finally overcome your fears of people of great value. Because no matter how it turns out, you’re still charging into battle. You are yet willing to face Medusa.
It doesn’t matter if you lose a battle if you generally win the war.
You have control over the message you send, about yourself. You have to look like a brave warrior. You have to look like someone you can respect, admire and love.
Don’t miss out on the life-changing chemistry you could have with people if you only dared really look at them. Connections are so much more than the words we say, so stop hiding and be bold with your eyes.
If you’re looking for practical eye contact tips, check out my guide to making strong, unforgettable eye contact.
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