Why do I blame my partner so much when things go wrong?

Your Sunday was going pretty well. You were marking tasks on the left, right, and center, until the glassware was rearranged in the closet. The ultra-elegant glassware that only comes out on special occasions. Ask your partner to help you get the closet off the wall. Countdowns from three … except they go to “one”. In slow motion, one of your favorite glasses falls to the wooden floor and shatters.

Your reaction is automatic. Shouts: ‘What have you done? Why are you always like this?

On paper, it’s an understandable reaction. It was a valuable piece. He had sentimental value. We are all prone to blame unjustly from time to time. It is often easier at this time to evade responsibility than to face something that is probably our fault. But what if your answer is really just the tip of the iceberg, a sign of a pattern of resentment and annoyance hiding right under the waves? Are you being harsh with your partner, or is it usually justifiable to blame him?

According to new research, people judge the reason or evil of an action by “morally irrelevant factors, such as results and luck.” Maybe your partner was careless when it came to moving the closet, but would you have reacted with the same vitriol if the glass had fallen but remained on its shelf, intact and unharmed? Researchers argue that in many scenarios it is not intention that counts when it comes to judging who is to blame, though result.

How do we attribute the blame for the accidents?

This new research states that we sometimes experience a fundamental disconnect between intention and outcome. While children learn to separate these two aspects of guilt at a young age, all bets go off when a third volatile factor is introduced: negligence. Whether an accident is to blame is whether the person appears to have acted carelessly. However, if they do act carelessly, but in this case no accident occurs, they are usually off the hook, because there were no bad intentions.

When it comes to broken glass, experience a dilemma. You know that in the end the accident was your fault, but because your partner was involved, your moral judgment system shifted, giving you the blame. they. But changing guilt like this is not without consequences. You run the risk of getting hurt and wary if it keeps happening. It is a good idea, then, to recognize these feelings when they come out and try to prevent their impact by channeling your emotion into a better understanding of your own responsibility, thus minimizing the unnecessary anger that has been unleashed on your partner.

Being a better judge of your partner’s behavior benefits you both

There is a complicated logic underlying these concepts. It’s natural to forget everything in an instant when a bad situation arises, especially when your partner’s role can be interpreted in a variety of ways. As researchers conclude, we are often too easily influenced by results rather than intentions when deciding who is to blame for the misfortune. But baseless guilt can hurt your relationship, so it’s worth working to recognize this trap of so-called “moral luck”.

There are many reasons why an accident can occur without negligence playing a role, or in fact, intent. As tempting as it may be to automatically attribute your partner’s behavior to malice or unconscious disinterest, take a step back and evaluate before pointing your finger unnecessarily. Ask yourself Because you are blaming your partner. Does it come from a latent belief that they are unreliable, or worse, that they don’t care so much about you? Be sure of your prejudices before getting involved in blaming it. In the long run, they could only serve to undermine the trust that has been established throughout your relationship.

Judging behavior is always tricky, especially when it comes to your partner. You are probably too close to the situation to make a proper and objective assessment of what has happened.

Turn to a loved one for advice, or if you want an outside perspective, we can help. Maclynn International is a multi-award winning boutique presentation agency with offices in New York, California and London. Not only are we known worldwide for bringing together highly compatible singles, but our bridesmaids are also experts in eminent relationships in their own right. So if you are struggling with a relationship full of small arguments, or you are single and looking for someone of your own with whom to move this glass cabinet, get in touch today. Together we will find out what is best for both of us i your relationship.

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