Why are you still single …

I think that when it comes to dating, bets can be heard tan high that in a desperate attempt not to make the wrong choice, we often get in our way.

We can be so picky that we forget how much agency we have when it comes to finding a connection with someone who suits us.

This week, you’ll learn how to find it.

How has this week’s video changed the way you look at dating? I will be reading the comments, so I would love to know your opinions!

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Matthew:

When we almost constantly applaud the fact that, “I’m too picky. My problem is I’m too picky,” if we’re not careful, it becomes another way of saying, “I’m kind of an idiot judging.”

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Well, interestingly, Steve, there’s an article in the BBC that talks about the idea that people aren’t really as picky as they think when it comes to describing who they’re dating. Research shows hidden biases. In fact, we will give people a chance even if they do not meet our criteria.

Stephen:

Right. Yes.

Matthew:

I think it’s interesting because dating apps certainly make us a lot more demanding than we actually are, and I think anyone can do that experiment. If you imagine going to a dating app and how people slide so generously in such a laissez-faire way, then consider how you are if you’re at a party and someone introduces you to someone.

Stephen:

Yes

Matthew:

You’re more likely to give a moment, a chance, to someone you’ve been introduced to in real life, than in a dating app where that person doesn’t even enter your “I’ll send a quick folder” Hello “.

Stephen:

Yes, and it may even be for strange reasons. It’s like watching a movie that they said was their favorite movie, and you say, “Oh God. Really? That one?” Or he rolls his eyes, “Oh, that’s so clichéd.” But if you found someone great at a party, you wouldn’t reject them because their favorite movie made you roll your eyes a little. You’d say, “Oh, I don’t care. That’s a lot of fun. I’m having a great time.”

Matthew:

Or it’s a couple of inches below the height you’ve decided you want for yourself, and that becomes a reason not to pick someone. And that’s what’s really interesting, is that the perfect partners aren’t chosen on the sidelines. If you met someone who is a few inches below what you thought you wanted the person to be, and they ended up being so many amazing things in a relationship and you had an amazing time with them, with the chemistry and what that is, the chances at that moment of leaving because they do not have the correct height or the height you had predetermined was important, will almost never happen.

Or I would say that if it happens, you have to start looking inward and say, “Okay. What’s happening to me because I’m treating my love life as something to optimize instead of finding someone who is a partner “If I find a great partner, why am I optimizing this way, that I’m still telling myself I’m not okay because they don’t have this or that thing?”

Stephen:

Yes. I almost think the mistake is to think that you are looking for the perfect person. But you’re really looking for an amazing fit, someone who fits you very well, who fits very well with the pieces of your puzzle. And this is something very different.

Matthew:

One of the phrases in this article is, “It’s not about the partner you choose, it’s about the partnership you’re building,” which I think is extraordinarily important. Now, I don’t think you can choose any partner. We need to choose a partner with the right things, and then look at the partnership we are building with them and see if the partnership is the one that meets our needs, if the partnership is the one that can make us happy. But this is something very different from spending our whole life optimizing as far as the couple is concerned. In this article, Steve says, “It may not be so helpful to look for and find a partner who looks good on paper, but it’s helpful once you’re out with someone to look for the first signs that the relationship is healthy and supportive.”

This I think is a real change from if someone meets all the criteria we thought we wanted, some of which are hangovers from when we were young and we had this list of unimportant shopping stuff that someone had to be, and we never really visit again. this list to see how many of them were important. Now, I think the person we meet in life who will make us happy has to be our special version or a special version that we really like. But the idea that we will objectively optimize to the point where we make the decision only by fate, feeling, or destiny, or whatever you want to call it, is a really, really destructive notion, because it removes agency from us as people.

The agency in decision making, be it a person, a career or a place where you want to live, the agency says, “I have a role to play in choosing something and making it spectacular.” My job isn’t to travel the world and when I just feel like, “This is where I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life” and I settle there. Any agency eliminates us. And it is to make a decision. . . I think this is a very lost point in so many things, and I’m not the first to say it, but making a decision, exercising this agency, is something that makes sense in a situation. That you chose that thing, that career, that place to live, that person and then you decided to do it all, there’s beauty in that. This is what makes it so meaningful.

But so many people go through life waiting for life to give them meaning. I need to find the career that gives me purpose. I need to find the place to live that only speaks to me, that is my place, that makes me feel good. I need to find the person who gives meaning to my life. But this is being a kind of victim of meaning rather than choosing meaning. And what could be more meaningful in a world where we could have so many potential partners, what could be more meaningful than saying, “I’m choosing to build a story with this person. That’s the story I chose.” And I think all the investment that comes after, all the commitment that comes after, comes as a result of deciding what you’re going to make this story really important.

This commitment is the inevitable result of deciding the meaning of a story as opposed to the outcome of something that comes pre-ordered to you. Unfortunately, I don’t think life is that simple. You can be so many different things in life. You could be a fisherman. You could be an accountant. You could be a lawyer. You could be a speaker. You could be a writer. You could be so many different things. I don’t think life gets to be as simple as something just picks you up. We go through life and exercise agency, and finding a partner is no different. At some point we stop. And it’s not like we stop at someone and say, “That’s good enough.” It’s just that we stop at someone and say, “I’ll do great.”

We are very powerful and have the ability to make things big in life. We all have our own magic. We all have our own ability to do great things. But we must exercise this ability. It doesn’t mean he can be with anyone. We still have to find someone who has a similar attitude when it comes to having a great relationship or we will do all the work, and that doesn’t work. We still have to find someone with whom we have some chemistry. It doesn’t have to be the best chemistry of all time. With someone, you have a chemistry that turns it into a romantic relationship, or you have a friendship. And it still has to be someone who has a vision of life or values ​​that synergize with yours. They may not all be the same, but they must be compatible with yours.

But the group of people that this describes is much larger than the scarcity that people imagine is the case when they think about trying to find their ideal partner. And I really believe that when we develop a healthy relationship with ourselves and our own flaws, and when we are prepared for a real relationship, more people are right. Because I think when we constantly almost applaud the fact that “I’m too demanding. My problem is that I’m too demanding,” if we’re not careful, it becomes another way of saying, “I’m kind of an idiot judging.” , and it’s done under the right label of, I’m too picky. . And I think we’ve all been through those phases where we judge people incredibly and everyone feels wrong for us because we judge a lot.

Everyone likes to say, “When you raise your standards in life, and when you grow up, and when you read, and when you do self-development, and when you do all these things, your group of people shrinks and it’s hard to meet. that is at your level “. This is very easy to say. I’ve even said it in the past. But I think it’s a bit of a blow, because I really think that the more open you become as a human being, the more you accept yourself and your own flaws, and your own history and your own weaknesses, and not you do. you see certain things with shame and disgust, when you are not disgusted with yourself and the things you have done or are, then you begin to look at others with less disgust, with less contempt, with more openness, with more love. .

Start seeing better in other people. When you accept yourself more, it’s hard not to accept others anymore. And so, when we are really ready, more people are right.

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What’s wrong with everyone? I hope you enjoyed today’s episode of Love. Life. podcast. I wanted to let you know that the things I was talking about in terms of self-acceptance and how that changes the way we approach our love life, it changes the way we approach other people, it’s a real muscle that we can work on. en.

If you have struggled in your life to love yourself, my God, if you have struggled to please yourself, if the idea of ​​loving yourself is not even on your radar because you are struggling to please in general, if you continually get hit by things you do wrong, or things you say wrong, or mistakes you think you have made in your past that you still regret and punish yourself to this day, these are things that will affect everything in your life. life. . Because our relationship with our self shapes everything, our happiness, our sense of peace, how we approach life in general, our confidence, our personal power at work, in love.

If you want to learn how to build this muscle of self-acceptance and self-love, this is the deep work I do with people in my virtual retreat. It’s a three-day coaching dive. And this is a very timely announcement because it will arrive very, very soon in March from 18 to 20. If you have not yet booked your call to talk to one of my teams, go and do it now. They will tell you everything about the program. They will tell you about your goals, what you are trying to achieve right now, what is holding you back, and help you understand how the program can help you. I hope to see you there. Please go to MHVirtualRetreat.com to find out more, find out all about the program. I sincerely hope that from March 18 to 20 we can spend three whole days training together.

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