When You Love Each Other But Don’t Want the Same Things

As Sara sat looking out the window at their beautiful wooded back yard, she couldn’t help feeling upset and bitter.

Once again, Seth, the man she’d lived with and loved for over 10 years had postponed their wedding date.

There seemed to always be “something” to get in the way of them formalizing their relationship.

Sara had been happy living with Seth and certainly loved him…

But a few months when her grandson asked when they were getting married, those old empty feelings overwhelmed her as she fell into self-pity and unworthiness.

And even though she knew better, those feelings prompted her to once again ask Seth about setting a date to get married.

Seth always seemed to be willing to set a date but he always also seemed to bring up roadblocks…

Like the complications of a guest list (who to leave out and who to include), as well as planning the destination wedding that Sara wanted.

When they’d set the date and then Seth had backed out again, Sara questioned whether he really loved her and even wanted to
get married or not.

That’s when she called us and set up an appointment to get clarity about her situation and some ideas about how to move forward.

Here’s some of what Sara learned that might be helpful to you if you and someone you love and care about want different things…

1. Find out what’s most important to you and the reasons you want what you want

As we invited Sara to look deeply at what is most important to her and why…

She saw that she believed that being married to Seth would symbolize his commitment to her.

She loved her life with Seth but still felt there was something missing.

When she looked closely at what was “missing,” she saw that that feeling was prompted by the expectations of her family.

She’d been married for many years before and her son and her grandkids wondered why she and Seth weren’t married now.

When you look at what’s important to you and why, you’ll be able to see more clearly what’s prompting your desire.

2. Invite your partner or the other person to look at what’s important to them and why they want it. Listen with a neutral, loving heart

When Sara invited Seth to take a good, honest look at what was important to him about this situation…

She made it clear that she would listen with a loving heart without judging him.

He opened up to her that he had fears that because his previous marriage of many years had ended in a disastrously way…

He was really afraid to possibly spoil the good relationship that he had with Sara.

He told her that he realized that he had agreed to getting married in the past more so because he knew Sara wanted a formal ceremony and not that he felt the desire to do it.

That’s why at the last moment, he would back away but it had nothing to do with how much he loved her and their lives together.

When you invite the other person to honestly look within and then listen without judging or trying to change them…

You may have the opportunity to learn what’s truly there and in that honesty, comes understanding.

3. Understanding creates deeper love and respect

As Sara listened and saw their situation from Seth’s perspective, she understood that he really didn’t want to hurt her and his reticence wasn’t about her.

It was about his fears that he carried from the past.

As Seth listened to Sara, he understood that Sara’s desire to get married came from her family’s expectations that had triggered her doubt in their relationship.

As they talked and listened, they both felt closer to one another, coming up with an agreement to create a commitment ceremony with only their immediate families invited.

Instead of a destination wedding which may or may not happen at a later date…

Their commitment ceremony would be on their beautiful lawn and of course there’d be lots of food and laughter.

The truth is that even if you love one another, you will see some things differently from your partner.

But you can find a way through those differences in a loving way.

If you have an issue that you both can’t seem agree on and would like our help in seeing something new, contact us here…

 

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