“Wow,” I exclaimed, “these paintings are amazing, where did you get them from?”
“From a local artist,” he replied, with a touch of a smile.
Roberto had just arrived at my date’s house after our first date at a wine bar and restaurant. As I walked through the different styles of paintings that adorn the walls, it never occurred to me that they might have been painted by the same artist, and I definitely didn’t think that he he could have painted them. Roberto hadn’t told me anything about being an artist.
But then I realized. That it was he! I had just discovered more about this intriguing man. He revealed himself naturally, without any striking announcements on his part. He confessed with a shy smile once I found out.
The reason for the slow revelation
On our first date, our connection had been immediate and genuine. The conversation flowed easily. I quickly realized how different I was from so many other dates I had been to: it made me feel seen, heard, and appreciated.
How did he do it? He asked me questions, with genuine curiosity, and listened to the answers. He never rushed into a “sales argument” about his successes or skills. He held back from telling me that he had artistic talents or that he had created some awesome programs for his business. However, he had a lot to share and achieved the perfect balance of being both interestsing and interested.
Roberto never asked me questions like, “Well, tell me about yourself.” Instead, his questions were related to other details he had shared. And of course, that piqued my curiosity and made me want to know more about him. With his self-confidence, he knew that making a connection was more important than hitting his chest or showing a list of qualifications.
Avoid running on the field of play
It is no coincidence that he mentioned the absence of a “selling point”. Over the course of the appointments, we can feel that we are “selling” ourselves to possible matches, so we tend to run in the fist line of how many marathons we have run, how many countries we have been to, how fascinating we are. . It’s understandable that we care so much about impressing the other person that we forget they.
Sales is my profession. Many sales professionals make the mistake of rushing to describe the features and benefits of their product before taking the time to know the problems, needs, and desires of their potential customer.
When sales reps run on the field without asking questions, they have missed the critical step that will make the potential customer lean and to want to buy. The real connection is forged through curiosity and genuine questions. It doesn’t matter if you have the best product on the market (i.e., it doesn’t matter if you’re the best quote on the market). Without questions, you can’t connect. Without a connection, you will not have the “purchase” of the person you are trying to meet.
It certainly helped Roberto to be tall, handsome and Italian … as I also speak Italian fluently and lived in Rome for four years (what are the odds ?!) However, the real glue that brought us together from the beginning it was our mutual curiosity. on top of each other, not these “features.”
Ask questions to show that you care
Reflective questions are the key ingredient that is often missing in the dating world. If you find yourself unsure what questions to ask or chatting nervously to avoid an awkward silence on a date, take a few minutes to prepare before the date. Think ahead about any questions you may have. This will help you to relax and be more present, which in turn will improve your listening skills.
As for your date, if they can’t seem to ask questions, but you feel like they’re really interested in meeting you, consider trying out the 36 questions that lead to the love of the New York Times. Roberto and I don’t need these questions, but we started answering these questions as a fun “game” on our second date. We asked ourselves three questions from the list each time we met until we answered them all. We liked it so much, we had to promise we wouldn’t look at the next questions until our next date.
To assess how good you are i your quote is in terms of expressing your curiosity, ask yourself the following questions:
- Am I showing up on my date that I’m curious to know more?
- Am I worried about trying? impress them more than learning more about them?
- What follow-up questions and questions can I ask at my appointment (without making them feel interrogated or interviewed?)
- Does my date show interest in getting to know me through thoughtful questions?
- Is my date really listening to what I’m saying?
Most importantly, pay attention to how your date makes you feel. If you feel seen, heard, and appreciated, your appointment is likely to have done a great job of asking thoughtful questions and listening to what you have to say. This will help lay the groundwork for what could become a long-term relationship.
I’m not sure the New York Times can take all the credit, but those 36 questions definitely led to love for Roberto and me.
Photo by Gary Barnes of Pexels.
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