This is not consent …

It’s not about consent … It’s about amazing love.

Pleasure requires relaxation, and relaxation requires security. If my lover doesn’t feel safe, he can’t relax, so he won’t be able to feel his desire or his pleasure. The same thing happens with me: if I don’t feel safe, I won’t relax, and I won’t feel my desire or my pleasure.

Love works in the same way as pleasure: for people to open up emotionally, they need to feel emotionally secure. They need to trust that their partner will be there for them, otherwise this connection cannot happen.

What is required for pleasure is required for love: security, trust, relaxation. The more we are in love, the more we can relax in the ecstatic magic of the loving connection.

When I’m with my lover, we play. Without any worries in the world, we feel safe enough to be stupid. We feel our desire and take the feeling. We enjoy the moment, the little touches, the soft kisses. We have all the time in the world, and we enjoy the feeling of being loved. We make eye contact and breathe together. “I love you!” I say it with my eyes, my arms, and every cell in my body. I can feel the desire on her body radiating as a cast iron fireplace radiates heat. His eyes, his breath, his lips, all shout, “I love you!”

With every kiss and caress, I dance to the music of your desire. Always listening, I feel the ecstatic energy baptizing for my body and yours. Our desires are mixed in an elixir of electric passion and mind-boggling love.

In this dance, the word ‘consent’ does not feel appropriate. It’s not about me getting your agreement for something I want to do; it’s about both of us celebrating the magic of our connection.


Consent conversation is difficult because it happens in a world where we are disconnected from our own embodied “yes,” where we are deaf to the sound of another person’s desire. We have forgotten how security feels and we no longer know how to relax in the magic of love.

We live in a world where abuse and coercion are so common that people are only measuring how much they can bear. Sex is vilified and commodified. Instead of an expression of loving connection, sex is a naughty pleasure that we can enjoy when no one is looking at us, an exciting treatment we receive when we have done things right.

We live in a world where sex is no longer sacred. Men go hungry for physical affection. Boys explore “sexuality” through moving images on a computer screen, rather than an incarnate connection with another person. In this way, the heart is completely disconnected from sexuality. It is only physical pleasure with mental obsession; love does not even enter the image.

Women’s bodies are then seen as sexual objects and their minds are seen as porters of the sexual experience. And paradoxically, when women are objectified in this way, men feel that women have the power because they have the key to the desired experience.

When women are targeted, everyone loses.

We live in a world where sex is disconnected from love, where sex is no longer sacred.


And I’m part of the world where I grew up. When I was younger, I played the game of figuring out what to do to gain access to sexual experiences. I had sex disconnected from my heart. At that moment I felt the experience mixed with triumph and disgust.

As an adult, my healing has been a process of reconnecting my sexuality with my heart, to reintegrate myself as a full human being. I have often failed in this endeavor. I have failed to fully honor my own heart, my own body, and the body and heart of others.

There were times when I thought I was exploring the mutual connection, only to find out later that she was just agreeing with something I didn’t really want. Learning this has been heartbreaking for me and detrimental to others. Why didn’t he say anything? Why couldn’t I say that?

What I’m learning is that consent is simple in concept, but infinitely complex in application. Past social pressures and trauma can keep people from telling the truth. Power dynamics and passion can hinder mutual agreement.

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What is important to know about consent and limits is that we will all fail; most likely we have already done so. We will inadvertently overstep the boundaries of another and forget to give voice to our own. This is part of being human and interacting with other humans. And even though there are those who intentionally violate the limits of another, people often hurt without wanting to even know they did. This is the product of living in a culture of sexual repression, where we do not have healthy ways to talk about our sexual experiences.

I want to live in a world where we can talk about these experiences, where we can listen and recognize when we are wrong. I want to live in a world that is not full of victims and aggressors, but people exploring the love connection.

I want to live in a world where we can listen to, and dance to, the music of desire; where everyone feels safe, loved and cared for.

I want to live in a world where sex is sacred.

You see, it’s not about ‘consent’; it is an amazing love.

It’s not about consent because that word implies an agreement that happens (or doesn’t happen), but it’s actually much more complex and nuanced. This is the full context of intimate exploration. It’s not just about power dynamics, sexual repression, and our culture of coercion. It is also more important to listen to us, to listen to our body and to listen to our heart.

Because when we listen to each other, we can create the conditions for security, trust, relaxation, and finally a mind-blowing love.

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