Are you a single, smart, independent woman who goes out after 40 and has a great time finding good men? Are you starting to think that there are no good men who can control your strength and your brain?
I hope you don’t mind me saying that – you’re wrong.
As a dating and relationship coach, and a woman who was first engaged at the age of 47, I am well aware of what we say to ourselves:
Men cannot handle intelligent and powerful women.
The only men left at this age are men-children, idiots and gamblers.
I do not give up my freedom for some man who will tell me how to live my life.
I’m too old and stuck in my ways. I can’t change and men will want me to do it.
Oh yes. These were my mantras for years.
I clung to them sympathetically until I realized they were myths.
The truth was as clear as day, but as we do with so many beliefs, I simply refused to see the evidence to the contrary. (I thought that was true and I hate to be wrong!)
One of these myths is that your fierce independence and the fact that you have marked your paths prevent you from finding love.
Let me share some of what I learned that paved the way for my adult love story.
That was my life before I got married in 2006 …
No one told me how I should think or feel.
Commitment was something I rarely had to do.
I owed nothing to anyone, so no one was my boss.
I made all my decisions.
I was successful and charted my own path.
I created the lifestyle I wanted, such as hanging out and traveling with my friends, buying what I wanted and going where I wanted when I wanted.
Okay … fast forward to the present …
This is how it is in real life as a married woman …
No one tells me how to think or feel. (Okay, almost never, but I shouldn’t listen to him.)
Committing to any consequences is something I rarely have to do.
I owe nothing to anyone, and no one is my boss.
Make the most of my own decisions (but I get help when I need it).
I am still successful and I am on my own path (with your help and the support of my smart husband).
I have a lifestyle that I choose, see and travel with my friends whenever I want, buy what I want and maintain my own priorities and routine.
My life is essentially the same as when I was single.
I admit that from time to time I have to commit.
I always have to store food that I don’t put back in the fridge.
And, yes, I do consult with my centers before planning a trip with my friends or making an important life decision that affects us as partners.
Here’s what I get in return:
a lifelong companion I can count on. A partner who puts me first, supports me in everything I do, makes my life easier and happier, and makes me feel special, safe, and loved every day.
Your beliefs about the limitations of going out after 40 are based on myths, sister. And once you let go, you open yourself to endless new opportunities to bring love into your life. I know this because I am living the truth.
Don’t you believe me? Listen to Suzanne, a graduate of Love School, explain what happened when she gave up her false belief that a man would limit her independence.
Want to know how to change things for yourself? Here are a few points to keep in mind.
1) Your happiness is in the selection.
Why choose a man who wants you to act in a way that you don’t want to act or give up on things you like?
Why choose a man who does not admire your independence and does not honor your ability to achieve what you want in life?
There are things you love about yourself and your life, and you shouldn’t give them up. If you find yourself having to deal with potential partners, the answer is not to blame men and stop dating … the answer is to attract and choose the right man.
2) Men want the real you and they don’t want you to change.
Albert Einstein once said, “Women marry men in the hope that they will change. Men marry women hoping they don’t. So everyone is inevitably disappointed.”
Men constantly mourn the loss of the woman they believed they married. Why is this happening? Because we bend over like a pretzel to hook a man and then become our real self when we feel safe … to his surprise!
If you’re independent and have things you think you should do in your life … be that and do that. When you meet men, show them who you are. It’s the only way to find a good man who accepts and appreciates your strength …
The real surprise is this: something amazing happens when you find the good man you love: some of your priorities change. You want to like it, and it’s easy to make adjustments. That’s when you know you have the right man.
Some of the things you thought would never let anyone influence your life become things you can’t wait to talk to your husband about. And having a strong, steady hand is a gift you will be grateful for every day.
You’ve earned the right to be super proud to do it all yourself so far. How about opening up to the idea of making it a pride to be a good partner and learning to find that ultimate joy in life?
Remember that you are with a man whom you respect and admire. And you know he cares about you. Why wouldn’t you want your opinion? You don’t have to do what he says, just honor his association and his advice.
Here’s the conclusion, girl. I understand all about the fear of losing your independence, the fear of choosing a man to make you miserable … all that. But you are likely to base your fear on a false assumption.
Single men want a woman like you, smart, strong and independent. It all starts with finding good men to date. And once you do, any changes or commitments you CHOOSE to make will pale in comparison to everything you receive in return.
Trust me. It’s really that simple.
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