A situation explained … You have this fantastic friend. You got along very well recently. Maybe almost too ok. You suddenly realize that you have butterflies whenever you think of them. Your friends and family have noticed a dramatic increase in your behavior. There is a spring in your path. This is going to places.
… Or at least it would be, but something just … is wrong. Is you? Are you afraid of compromise? Or are they? Don’t they feel the same? But then what about flirting? Accidental hand brushing? Prolonged eye contact?
Weeks pass, then months. Whether it’s in a work context, within your circle of friends, or even just one at a time, you’re spending tan a long time together. You are sharing intimate details about your lives, trusting each other, texting non-stop. Surely this is more than friendship?
Then, one night, everything changes. You thought this was just happening in the movies, but apparently not. The message arrives at 1:30 in the morning: Hey, are you awake?
You can’t get there fast enough.
And then the next day … radio silence. Nothing. Nothing. And the next day, another text: Hi, how are you? What, they just go back to the language of “friends” as if nothing had happened?
Maybe that’s exactly what they want. Or maybe they want it both ways. Maybe you too, and you still don’t know. Maybe … you’re in a situation.
A situation arises when the relationship between two people remains indefinite, even though on paper they seem to be romantically interested. One or both of them want to keep things casual, but they may also want to feel some commitment. It’s just a tricky area to rent, because if you don’t have The Conversation, one of you will end up hurting yourself. Is this some kind of FBI setup, or do you really want to set boundaries, just to be stopped by your fear of rejection?
Over the last decade, people have increasingly moved away from traditional relationship structures, leaving a gap in which the situation has flown. By striving to avoid labels at all costs, many hopeful romantics face the diametrically opposite problem: now they can’t define their relationship. Absolutely not, and remain in emotional purgatory. Communication seems to have broken down, which in turn can leave feelings unexpressed, even when you both really want the same thing.
Sometimes a situation blossoms into a real deal organically, at its own pace. But other times, people in situations get tired, anxious, and angry about the lack of commitment they are getting. His longing for something deeper and more meaningful is not satisfied. Maybe the other person is less commitment-oriented, or maybe they want commitment … but not with you.
Either way, it is useful to know how to identify a situation. A surprising number of people have become so accustomed to the dynamics that they do not see the big picture: that things are not going anywhere. So what signs can you look at?
- Relationship parameters are poorly defined, or never state defined.
- The other person seems to be hesitant to commit. They may even be reluctant to meet your friends and family. PDAs are virtually non-existent.
- The relationship suffers from inconsistencies and poor plans.
- The future is May discussed; or if it is, the other person skips the opportunity to change the subject.
- He does not seem to spend time together for himself, but out of boredom or lust.
- One or both of you are viewing other people.
- They are not investing emotion, time or maybe even money in the relationship.
- There is no progress: when you look back at where you were six months ago, nothing has changed.
The awareness that you are trapped in a situation can hurt. It can make you worry about the future. But while the circumstances are far from ideal, there are two main actions you can take to alleviate the uncertainty that pervades the relationship every day:
- Bite the bullet and ask the question: You, or both of them may be afraid of rejection, which is why the parameters of this dynamic have been left out. But if you don’t ask, you’ll never know. So sit down for an honest conversation and find out how they really feel. If they also wanted things to move forward, great, and if they don’t, well, they better know now, six more months. Even if you are afraid of what your answer will be, know for sure is better for you in the long run in the face of endless uncertainty, though, right now, ignorance is a bliss. Be firm, and be clear: ‘This relationship needs to be defined’; ‘I want to commit. If you don’t, I think we should end this thing.
- Don’t push for something that won’t happen: It’s easier said than done, much, much easier. But most of the time, waiting for someone to change their mind is pointless. Also, why not believe them in your word? If you’ve given them a chance to do the official things on a silver plate and they’ve turned you down, they’ve probably taken it seriously.
Getting out of a situation can be difficult, of course. You may have invested a lot of time and affection in this relationship and feel that you have been taken for a walk. But going out on the other side is better than staying in something that is slowly eroding your happiness just because it’s easy or because you’re afraid of being alone. And if you need a little extra advice along the way, we can help.
Maclynn International is a multi-award winning boutique presentation agency with offices in New York, California and London. We are known worldwide for bringing together highly compatible singles, and our matchmakers are eminent experts in relationships in their own right. So whether you’re just getting out of a situation or you’re weighing your options, get in touch today. Together we can find out what you are really he wants to get out of a relationship and puts you on the path to meeting someone really amazing.
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