My biggest fear

My biggest fear in a relationship is that it will go away. She leaves and my life is destroyed.

This fear comes from my childhood. I have idyllic memories of my early childhood. I remember my parents being in love with each other. I remember being in love with both of them, my family.

Then I remember my mother calling my father. Then he left. It was as if my heart was ripping from my chest.

I remember witnessing my father’s pain, first hand, grief, helplessness. He seemed unfortunate, helpless, pathetic, and I felt the same way. I was even more pathetic and helpless. I could feel it.

As an adult, doing shadow work, I see how I internalized the feeling of shame and helplessness I felt for my father. Young children are unable to distinguish “feeling bad” from “being bad.” The story I got out of this life-shattering process was that my mother left because she was “bad” and that my life was ruined.

It was not an intellectual or conscious understanding. It was something I felt in my gut, coded in my subconscious and then buried.

Looking back, I can see how this fear shaped my relationships. At first, he would love women and attract them to fill the void; but it would not let me be vulnerable. I wouldn’t open up. I wouldn’t allow myself to fall in love with them, because at some point I knew that if I did, it would mean the pain of loss.

Later, as I learned to be vulnerable, to care, I made an effort to be good. Fighting this annoying feeling that I was deeply flawed or “bad,” I would do everything in my power to be the perfect boyfriend, the perfect husband. At some point, I felt that if I was good enough, I could keep myself from leaving. I was able to show him that he was “good” and not “bad.”

When I did all the right things, she was delighted and they validated me. She told me how big I was and I would feel good. His calmness would ward off fear. This was my cycle of codependence.

But being “good” was exhausting. It was different than just “being me.” So I would like ways to get out of the mold, out of the paper to find a getaway. The moments when I found the escape, were the moments when my partner resented me. No matter how clear my communication was, or how much I felt in control, there was always something that made her angry, uncomfortable. I suspect it was because I was being someone other than the “good” person I had chosen to be with.

She would get angry. She would leave. My biggest fear would come true. I would feel like my world was collapsing around me.

When he returned, he would swear he would be “good.” But I resented her for hurting me, for not letting me have my relief.

Being “good” became more tiring. My need to escape grew stronger. I would go beyond the limits. She would get angrier. I would be more resentful, but I would keep trying to be “good.” Thus, the relationship came to an end. So I created my own deepest fear.

To me, salvation came from letting go of the idea of ​​”being good.” This took many forms. My coach pushed me to look at the “bad” part of myself. I did men’s work and shadow work where we immersed ourselves in all the disordered imperfection of my true self. I experimented with BDSM where it could be brutal, dominant and really “bad” and she LOVED it. I found a partner who was able to hold me lovingly in all my messy imperfection.

As a result, I’m not that bad.

The more I accept myself, the freer I am to be, the less codependent my relationships will be.

It’s a slow process, and the old dynamic is still coming back. Recently, something bothered my partner (she has her own fears and triggers). Instead of having a big fight, she chose to dedicate some time to herself, to give us space. But all I saw was that he was getting angry and leaving. My world began to sink around me.

Luckily, he was able to tell me it wasn’t me. The work I have done has helped me regain my ingenuity. With a little time and reflection we were able to see the deepest beauty of each of us.

Each person has their deepest fear. Each person has their own triggers and shadow jobs to tackle. Each person has their own ways of questioning their own worth and their own way to fully honor their beauty and power. Each person has their own process of learning to love more fully.

Doing this job is slow. At first, it may seem useless or invisible. But as you fill your heart with love and acceptance, your world begins to change around you. Your life is filled with more joy, love and play. Look at your life around you and think, “Shit!” You feel safer and you can’t help but round out a little bit in everything you do. The world responds to this kind of energy. Beauty is all around you, within you. You realize you’re beautiful. You realize you are divine.

Photo credit: Stephen Flynn Photo:

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