Is it weird that she never had a boyfriend?

When something negative happens frequently in our lives, we can begin to believe that it is our reality.

In this week’s video, I wanted to show you how to break down negative patterns and rewrite the narrative you’ve been telling yourself.

What are some of the stories you’ve told you in the past? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

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What else? Let me see. I am 24 years old. Is it weird that I’ve never had a boyfriend? No, I don’t think it’s weird. I think that’s your way. Well, first of all, is there a path that has no weirdness? We all have something. It seems easy to compare yourself to other people who have had boyfriends, friends of yours who have had more experience in this department and feel behind. But what does it really mean behind it? We all have growth spurts at different times in our lives.

One of my heroes, Anthony Bourdain, didn’t have a penny in his thirties and then got it to his. . . He wrote a best-selling book in the mid-forties and then had this amazing career in his fifties. So can you look at any aspect of life, be it career or relationships and say what it means to be behind? We all go through growth rates at different ages. We all use wisdom in different stages.

So you’re 24 and you haven’t had a boyfriend. You can play catch up whenever you want. Get to know people, be curious, be open to what might happen and don’t overestimate your story. If you go in and talk to a guy and say, “I feel like you should know I’ve never had a boyfriend,” you’ll find it very important. But if you wear it lightly and you don’t feel like it’s that big. If you just go in and say yes, I haven’t had a boyfriend, but it’s fun. It’s new to me and you can even recognize it. And in your next relationship, when you make mistakes, you can say I’m still learning. Be humble with that. This can be a nice thing.

And Lydia says, “I’m 29 years old and I’ve never had one.” And that’s okay too. Again, the more time you spend with something, the more. . . Here’s what’s interesting about our history in general, right? And it doesn’t matter. You could be 29 years old and have never had a boyfriend, or you could be 35 and all the people I’ve been with have cheated on me. Whatever your path or whatever your story, the danger when something has gone a certain way for us. . . For example, there are a lot of people who come to me and say, “Matt, I can never get someone to make a third date.” Or, “I go on a first date and it never becomes more.” Or: “I see guys, but they never commit to me to have a relationship.”

The problem when something is constantly happening in our lives is that we start to develop this deeply rooted story around this thing. We are beginning to believe that this is just the reality for us and that it is a very dangerous place. Because once you’ve decided it’s me, you really identify with it. And there are things that you used to think of yourself that you no longer identify with, or you realize were ridiculous. It was just a pattern you had set yourself. But the problem is that when we start having a pattern, there is a part of what we do. If you take a woman or a man who constantly chooses bad partners, on the one hand you can say, “Oh, they’re doing it because of low self-esteem.” And that’s exactly what happens when everyone says, “It’s a matter of self-esteem.”

Now part of that is true. In part, he or she may be choosing partners who don’t treat them well because they think they’re worthless. So they continue to allow someone to treat them badly and they don’t see it as a red flag or a signal that they should leave. They see it as a sign that they have to work harder, that they should give more or that they should just be more complacent or that they continually think they will change someone. So these are issues of self-esteem, but there is also an aspect that has nothing to do with trust, but only has to do with what we know.

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In life we ​​tend to gravitate toward what we know. If what you know is a certain type of person and therefore this is the person you tend to gravitate to, then keep betting on that person because that is just what you know. And what we know is rooted more and more in life to the point that we don’t even realize that what we are doing is not the common experience of everyone else. We just think this is normal.

I know someone who, when he was dating a friend of mine, found that he was a kind person and that the person he had been with before was not kind to her. And he would tell his mother that this person would say, “He’s very nice. He’s so nice.” And his mother said, “Yeah, that’s how it should be. It’s supposed to be that way.” And the funny thing is, “God, how could anyone be wrong about something that seems so obvious that you should be with someone who is nice to you?” But for her at that stage, it was not obvious to her. What he had experienced was the opposite and he had only known it.

So even this situation where someone was being kind to her was something that at first, while it felt good, was actually uncomfortable. And when something is uncomfortable for us, we can run away from it. We can be scared. It’s just not what we know. So every time we try to break a pattern, there is an element of trust, but we also just have to get used to something different. And when we get used to something different, sometimes we don’t really believe that something different exists.

If you haven’t had a boyfriend in years, you may not think this is for you. If you’ve never been with someone who doesn’t cheat on you, you might not believe that there are people who don’t cheat. If you’re not used to being around people who treat you well or kindly, you may not believe that this really exists. I have this fundamental belief. Jameson, I think you’re making a video about this. That what is needed when we change a pattern, especially when it involves our beliefs about other people, is not to suddenly start trusting or believing differently because in reality this is incredibly difficult. Just believing that there is the opposite of what we have always experienced is really a very difficult thing to do. And I find it very insulting when the self-development literature suggests that you just have to believe.

If they have always deceived you, if they have always lied to you, just believe that there is something better for you. Well, that’s hard to do if you’ve never experienced it. If your benchmarks say otherwise. I don’t necessarily think you just have to trust that there is something else. I think the gateway to new beliefs is curiosity. That we should be curious about experiences different from those we have lived so far in our lives.

If you are a really jealous person and want to be less jealous in general, find a friend of yours who has a successful relationship where you admire the relationship, but your friend is not jealous like you. And talk about it with your friend. Wait, when he or she did this, it usually made me jealous, but it didn’t seem to make you jealous. How do you treat it? And listen to their belief system. Be curious about how they think about jealousy and what you hear is a different set of ideas than those you have trained yourself or your past, your trauma, your parents, your first relationships that you have seen as ‘they have trained. you to believe. They will have a different paradigm from jealousy and it is with curiosity that we observe the paradigm of someone else, that we begin to develop a new one for ourselves.

We also want to be curious about the new results. If we go on a date and that. . . Be curious. What if I go to this date with a different kind of energy? Let me be curious about the outcome of this. What if, usually on a date, I keep quiet and let the other person approach me? Well, what if I was a little more daring and invited them to another date or I contacted them and said, “I had a great time” and didn’t expect them? We need to be curious about what happens if we change our behavior.

We must be curious if we change. . . What if we provide different energy? If we break our normal pattern, because we do not realize how many different realities we have at our disposal, how many different ways of living there are. How many different answers can we get from people if we start to change things about how we do things or what we believe. But it takes curiosity to do that. No belief, curiosity.

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Do you want to change your life? Go to that video now. Immediately right now. Because you want to be happy enough not to settle for the wrong thing.

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You want to be happy enough that if you find the right one, but that person ends up treating you badly, you can leave.

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