Little background story here, I met a girl named Steph a few years ago on a dating website. We had a lot of dates, but no romance ever developed between the two of us. However, we made good friends and front-row viewers of each other’s dating lives. He is now 28 years old and has decided to quit altogether. Was it because of all the terrible dates I took her out? Let’s find out.
Ronald: So, Steph, what do you think about dating right now?
Steph: I often think about how much I can offer if I’m in a relationship, but at the same time, I feel like it can’t bother me or even try to be in a relationship.
Interestingly, what do you mean by that you can’t even bother trying to be in a relationship?
It’s like tired of dating. A long-term relationship seems ideal, but I resist making lifestyle changes to fit in with a romantic partner.
What lifestyle changes should you make? And are you talking from experience, or is it just something you anticipate will happen?
I should spend part of my time “me” at the time “us” and “him”. I should take on the emotional burden of having to maintain a truly personal connection with someone.
Also, I speak from experience. I made the mistake of overdoing it to meet the needs of others. I felt that to make a relationship less satisfying, I had to give more and ask for less. I ended up neglecting my own needs and this caused a lot of resentment. In retrospect, I settled for mediocrity at best.
After a series of long-term relationships, I’ve been single for a few years. I have had a lot of time to reflect on my mistakes and learn more about myself. I’ve come to enjoy my own company so much that I don’t need or need satisfaction from anyone else.
Do you think this is something that everyone can achieve or is it more for you?
It is definitely more for me. I am a man by nature and, to be honest, antidepressants have suppressed my libido. Being single is not the same as being alone when you are surrounded by amazing platonic friends.
However, I firmly believe that everyone should learn to enjoy their own company. It will give them a better idea of who they really are, their own needs, their self-esteem and perfect their ability to depend less on others for emotional fulfillment.
For people who can’t enjoy their own company and feel they need someone else, how do you recommend changing that?
Ask for a therapist. Really. They will help people to recognize, understand and deal with the reasons why they cannot enjoy their own company. Personally, I focused on how I approached past interpersonal conflicts with others. I analyzed incidents, big and small, and thought about why they made me happy, disappointed, frustrated, and scared. Being hyper-conscious of what makes you work and what bothers you is a good start to self-realization.
I completely agree. I saw a therapist before myself and I thought it was great. But for people who can’t afford or have access to a therapist, what other personal advice would you recommend?
Determine your hobbies and find your support network. It was harder for me to create hobbies because I couldn’t think of things I was obsessed with or loved. Only Marie-Kondo sucks. Does this activity bring you joy? Great. This is a hobby. Listing my hobbies helped me understand the broader picture of who I am as a person. Some of these hobbies can help you discover more hobbies.
Finally, you will know which activities can occupy your time and space. If you focus more on your hobbies, you will meet other people with similar ideas. Ideally, your confidence in the emotional fulfillment of a romantic partner can be extended through a support network, also known as your peers, friends, and family.
Would it be fair to say that hobbies and a support network are symbiotic?
They could be, yes. Definitely look where you come from, one can lead to the other.
Also get a baby trap to take your time and attention.
What is a baby trap?
My God Ronald. I mean I’m kidding. But don’t you really know what a baby trap is?
I’ve never been involved with something like that. Can you tell our readers what a baby trap is?
Trapping a baby can mean catching a boy financially, but there is also the emotional aspect. If they stay with their child, they should interact with the mother until the child reaches adolescence at least. Or if they are out of fashion, they may feel compelled to marry their child’s mother.
Very insightful, thank you Steph. So, my last question, do you think it’s possible that in the future you will meet someone who will make you change your mind about all this? Or is it something you find yourself hooked on?
I mean, I don’t mind having a relationship. Right now it’s not a priority for me, you know? I don’t know the others, but I grew up thinking that one of life’s greatest successes is getting married to someone. It is not that I reject this idea directly, but that I accept that marriage is not the only and the end of everything, especially if it is not satisfactory. Therefore, it is not my intention to actively seek someone out for this. Maybe one day I’ll find someone by chance.
I talked a lot about the burdens of finding and maintaining a relationship. A relationship is a two-way street, which means my partner should also take on some of the burden. They should devote time and attention to my needs, take into account my past traumas, and actively support me emotionally. I don’t feel the need to take on that level of responsibility right now, so I don’t expect anyone else to do that for me either.
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