If you’re struggling to figure out how to resolve the conflict in your relationship, tune in to this episode with Kimberly Holmes!
Kimberly Beam Holmes specializes in helping couples resolve conflicts. She has a master’s degree in psychology and for the past 10 years has been the CEO of Marriage Helper and CEO and host of her podcast It Starts with Attraction. She is a woman and mother, researching how attraction affects people personally and the relationships they have in love.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
- What good is fighting
- The top three things people fight for the most
- Why people fight
- How to resolve conflicts and fight fairly
- How to calm down and identify what is happening to you
- Why it is important sometimes to agree or disagree
EP 498: Kimberly Holmes – How to resolve conflicts in relationships
What’s good about fighting?
There are benefits to the conflict. How to engage in conflict matters. It does not mean that the relationship is broken. Choose how you commit. Turn to, away or against. These are our choices.
What are the main things people are fighting for?
In romantic relationships, people struggle with finances, future dreams, feeling unappreciated or unheard. People fight over things that make them feel disrespected, disliked and disliked.
Sixty-nine percent of conflicts will never reach the same page. The goal is commitment and understanding. The other thirty-one percent, you can solve. You may not fully agree, but you can make a record with expectations.
Why do we fight?
These are the stories we tell ourselves about what happened. As for homework, for my husband, the story I tell myself is, “I don’t appreciate that I’m working so hard. He would say he doesn’t feel appreciated.
How can a couple resolve the conflict and fight right?
I have to ask myself, “What is my basic need?” It’s that it’s on my computer and I need a reminder for that. And I’ve been doing more laundry. Say it in a productive, non-destructive way.
If I say, “I need your help right now emotionally because I’m overwhelmed. That’s what I need from you. It would be very helpful if you could pick up your clothes this week.”
People respond much better when they feel appreciated.
How can people calm down and be clear about what is happening to them?
First parent and breathe before saying anything.
Google the wheel of feelings or emotions. He has the eight biggest emotions on the outside and then breaks them down further into emotions related to those feelings.
- Find out what your excitement is.
- Then ask yourself why you feel that way. It may take some time to understand why you feel this way.
- There is always some kind of pain underlying the emotion.
- What story are you telling yourself?
- What do you need?
- Listen as well as you are speaking and you want to be heard.
Reformulate the conflict: It’s not that I don’t want to fight for this relationship, but it’s more important to resolve it now.
“Of course he’s kind. Unclear is unpleasant.” Brene Brown
You say that sometimes you have to agree to disagree. What do you mean by that?
If sixty-nine percent of the conflict cannot be resolved, what can you do? During the pandemic, many people would not agree to disagree on things. Relationships are over. It is much healthier for us to have our own values and stay true to ourselves, but to respect each other’s differences and not treat them as inferior because they think differently. Don’t try to change each other.
What are your latest tips for anyone who wants to go on their last date?
Be inclined to ask yourself “what am I doing to be the best I can be,” instead of focusing on whether you like the other person.
Watch this episode on YouTube
Connect with Kimberly: https://marriagehelper.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kimberlybeamholmes/ Your podcast: It starts with attraction
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