How do you find quality men? You know … the ones I tell you are everywhere? If you uttered the words “there are no good men out there”, I have this question for you:
Will you meet him when you see him?
There seem to be three common reasons why women feel they don’t connect with quality men. Maybe one or more of these are preventing you from meeting your special man.
You don’t have a real, real vision of what a good man is.
When I ask women what qualities they want in a man, I hear the usual traits: honesty, affection, humor, and so on. What they lack is a deeper vision. A list of adjectives is not enough to help you get to know him.
- For each adjective, how does it “look” like this in everyday life?
- What are they feelings do you want to hear when you are with him
- What kind of relationship will it make you happy
- What are broken agreements and realistic commitments?
- Is this the vision you have today, the one you need as an adult woman, or the one you created many years ago?
If you know men but are unattractive, I encourage you to review and replace your “perfect man” story. What is your adult version … the one that meets your needs as a woman you are today. (Chapter W intended.)
This woman has the life experience that tells her what is really important and what she needs to feel loved and fulfilled by a man.
She accepts herself as imperfect and accepts it in others.
The chemistry is great, for a short time. Seriously, how does this work for you so far?
Lori Gottlieb says in her book Marry Him: The Case for Setling for Mr. Good Enough that the 10 don’t really exist, not in real life. Talk smart about healthy engagement.
Mrs. Gottlieb is not saying (nor am I) that we should commit to the important things; only many things on our long list are not really important to your long-term happiness. They only serve your “brum” in the short term and have nothing to do with finding quality men.
Don’t give yourself a chance to meet most men.
Most women are looking for men who are their biggest fans, who have confidence and are looking for what they want, who are open about their feelings and who are absolutely loyal (just to name a few).
How do you know when it will take a cup of coffee?
In this time you can know if he is handsome and if you feel an instant attraction. The chemistry is great, for a short time. Seriously, how does this work for you so far?
It is your essential realists and adults who count. Unless he’s drunk, stinky, or cursed like a sailor … can you give him a break? You will do yourself a favor by staying longer or accepting the next appointment, and then relating to the open mind and open heart.
When you do, I guarantee you will meet many more quality men.
A woman who basically doesn’t feel worthy or doesn’t trust herself to make good decisions can subconsciously attract men who are less than that and deter the good ones.
As a woman who has been dating for 30 years, I know all the ways to avoid meaningful connections and deep feelings. My mantra was like this:
No good men, so I’m better off alone.
Voila! I gave myself permission to give up finding a great man to share my life with.
When I was single I almost never met men who I thought were smart, kind, trustworthy, and charming. Now that I’m happily married, I find them all the time. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.
When you are clear about what is really important for a meaningful relationship; when you are open to meeting and connecting with the men you know; quality men will be everywhere.
And one will be yours.
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