Hi Dr. NerdLove,
First of all, thank you so much for all the content you posted. It’s really a treasure trove to have someone like you online when most internet dating tips are just one step away from becoming worse and more manipulative.
Now to the question, a little about myself: I’m 22 (almost 23) years old and I’ve been trying to work on myself, put my life in order, stop bad habits and take the courage to be more social. . I only realized, recently, that I am under the specter of this anxious thing of clinging, and I have been trying to get it, trying to make room for people. I find myself doing the exact opposite with questions like “how do I approach women,” as if I were looking at them like a monolith and somehow had to be approached differently than men in the chance I come around the day. And really no, it’s that with men, they’ll usually do something related and I can play with that to ask “what’s this thing,” and the next, “it’s a little cloudy or sunny,” then the next ” be your day “, etc. With women, even in a similar situation, I’ve seen them turn a blind eye, “look bad,” or ignore them outright. On some level, I understand why they do it, guys trying to pick them up, hit them. It’s not that my question doesn’t end up in the same category, but it would be great to meet people in general, but especially women, as I don’t have many friends in addition to colleagues and acquaintances in general, for example a neighbor or something. I basically want to meet people.
So the fact is that every day I have to leave my little brother in his coaching class in the evening and since the place is a bit far away, going back and forth is not a good idea. So I decided to drop him off at his class and spend some time in a nearby park. Now I sit down, with my headphones plugged into my ears, the music on. Sometimes I sit in my arms, waiting and watching things in the park, and obviously people too. I see people I want to talk to, they would be random men and women. It’s easier when they’re wearing or wearing something unique or flashy and you’re really curious about it, but what happens when there’s nothing you can draw attention to but still want to talk about? I can’t say, “you’re handsome,” I’m heterosexual, but I should try to make it roll with men too, so I can feel comfortable telling women, but also those who sometimes may actually feel attracted? I don’t know, I’ll make it weird for everyone, or be that weird in the park that people will gossip about, God help me.
But honestly, how do I “approach” the right way, given the social context? But I don’t know how I should choose it better. What do you do when they are in a group or just talking to a friend? It would be rude to approach them then, surely it would be ruining their good talk, hey, what’s the point here?
Just to put it as a kind of “approach to women” question rather than “how you approach women, but also people in general,” this framing somehow seems to me to see women as other than “people”, or I don’t know any of them. best way to frame it. In the meantime, it will attract more men who are looking for the same to respond better than you who may not be as receptive to the gender-neutral basic social norm. But to whom I’m lying, I’m looking for a little love and connection, and that shouldn’t be the way I find it. How about getting to know each other again, and dating people through a mutual friend, that’s all. I need to expand my circle of friends. Help, I’m speechless.
Looking for Groups
You’re thinking too much, LFG, and honestly, start by thinking of it as an “approximation”.
So I know I’m referring to making approaches or talking about “cold approaches” and “warm approaches,” so I’m contributing to the problem. I’ll put it right at the beginning. But part of what hooks people up is when they refer to “approaches” as a sort of separate form of interaction versus … well, just starting a conversation with people. This is literally getting close to someone is: you are trying to start a conversation with them. When we start thinking about it as “making approaches” instead of just talking to people, we end up treating it as different inherent rules, guidelines, and behaviors. This, in turn, leads people to drastically complicate things in their head and ultimately to become discouraged.
Especially when they think about it in terms of romance or dating.
But whether you’re trying to be more social or make more friends, o are you trying to find Mrs. Right (or Ms. Right Now), the process is ultimately the same: it all starts with a conversation. Everything else, the beginning, the change to another topic, etc., is compatible with this conversation. These are not hard and fast rules, but a general structure that serves as a guide and good practice; they’re a way to help people feel like they know what to do next and avoid common inconveniences. However, the more you develop your social skills, the less you will have to rely on structure. It’s like jazz: once you understand the basics and the “rules”, you’re better able to improvise, vamp and get out of the “script” to say the least.
Now, with that in mind, let’s talk about some structure you can use to cut your social experience points and feel more comfortable being a great guy that people like to talk to. First of all, like most people, you’re sweating openly and looking for a plausible excuse to go talk to someone. Having an excuse, no matter how fragile, is not strictly necessary; most of the time, they can be similar to having bike training wheels. Things like opinion polls or hints, where you pretend to talk to someone, such as asking for their opinion on something, are useful for people who are nervous about talking to strangers. It’s less about “don’t let them know what you are really doing “and more” here will make you feel more secure when starting the conversation. “While having an excuse to talk to them may be helpful, it’s not an absolute necessity.” Hi, ” principle as good as getting someone’s opinion on your friend’s jealous girlfriend.
In fact, in a space like a park, that is, places where people are social, but do not go there explicitly to find dates, it is often better to be simple and friendly. That means grabbing things more slowly and gradually, instead of coming in with the same energy you might have trying to talk to someone at a bar. s
There are many ways to hold a conversation in these spaces. Indirect routes may be easier for you right now. The most obvious thing would be to compliment someone on something they have been actively involved in, such as their clothes or their hairstyle. If, for example, I see someone wearing a T-shirt that refers to a property that I recognize, I’d say something like “eh, good t-shirt, I love INSERT_ $ PROPERTY_HERE!”. In fact, I did it the other day when I saw someone wearing My Favorite Murder merchandise with a style that looked like the logo of a death metal band. He pushed the conversation forward as we talked about the podcast for a few minutes, then we said goodbye and went separately. Demons, depending on the property, could make some reference, a nerdy shibboleth, if you will. There was a time when I was running on a local hiking and biking circuit when I passed someone with a Mass Effect sweatshirt. When we passed, I said “Shepard” with my best imitation of Wrex. He replied with “Wrex …”. When we both passed the other side of the loop, he did the same. “Wrex …” “Shepard”. If I hadn’t focused more on making my career, it would have been a good time to stop and have a conversation.
Now, there isn’t always something immediately obvious to comment on, and that’s okay; In most cases, you can only tailor how you start the conversation to your location. At a bookstore, you could (and should) ask someone for a recommendation. In a cafe or sitting at a restaurant counter, you can only make a general observation out loud; they often serve as an informal invitation for others to comment and respond.
With a group, the key is to treat the group as a single entity, rather than trying to target a single person. In these cases, have a reason to talk to them: “Hey, can I ask about the game you were playing?” for example, it is useful. From there you can introduce yourself and meet the people in the group.
One thing to keep in mind, especially if you spend time in the park waiting for your brother, is familiarity. If you’re a regular, whether it’s a bar, a restaurant, or a place like your local park, you’re likely to see some people over and over again. The fact that you’re both used to it makes it much easier to say hello. In fact, saying “You know, I see you here all the time and I realized I never said hello …” is a good way to start a conversation.
Now, regardless of how start the conversation, you want to turn to meet them. In a public space like the park, the most obvious pivot is an introduction. A simple “my name is …” is all you need. From here, things get trickier, and this is where the true meaning of life lies. – or share a little about yourself first: “My brother is taking a class around here; I love how peaceful / energetic / social / whatever the park is … ”In both cases, these are offers for common ground; you are seeing what you have in common, at least, with them. After all, we instinctively like people who are like us. Find those moments where you or they can say “yes, me too!” or “I know, right?” help consolidate a connection, turning a stranger into an acquaintance.
One thing you may want to keep in mind is that no matter how much you want to get closer to others, you also want to be accessible. Make sure you’re not giving “don’t bother” signs like wearing headphones, having open, friendly body language, and making sure you have a smile or a positive expression helps send the signal that you’re kind. Things like ruining yourself (or having your murder face at rest), shutting down your body language, or focusing exclusively on your phone or your book, or what you say to people who aren’t interested in talking to others. It is also good to be well dressed; you don’t have to dress again, but you also don’t want to wear the stained, torn sweats you might wear while gardening or cleaning your kitchen. The more successful your presentation is, the more likely it is that people will want to engage with you, whether they’re starting out or not.
This also helps a lot in not being an accidental climber. If you keep things low, friendly, and platonic, you probably won’t be fooled by people. While yes, women will Raise your guard if they think you are trying to pick them up, if you talk to them the way you would with another man, it will be clear that you are only sociable. And if you’re just social, instead of actively hitting woman after woman, they probably won’t stop you … or, rather, if people talk about you, it will just be in the sense of “oh.” , I saw LFG in the park the other day ”.
One last thing to keep in mind is that especially when it comes to regular people, short and sweet interactions can be better in the long run than having a long conversation where you try to speed up the process of “unknown to … friend A series of short conversations in which you leave on a positive emotional note is better than trying to drive this particular interaction like Slim Pickens until it hits the ground. It’s easy enough to say, “Hey, I have to go get my little brother; maybe we’ll see each other next time,” and say goodbye. things the next time you see them.
By the way, being social and friendly makes it much easier to turn around to get a date. If you’ve had a few good conversations with someone and you feel like you’re taking over the atmosphere, no one would be shocked if you asked them if they’d like to have a cup of coffee. They may still say “no,” but it will feel organic and a natural evolution of your interaction with them, instead of making you look like you’re browsing the park to find dates.
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