Thanking people is the act of chronically prioritizing the needs, desires, or feelings of others at the expense or detriment of our own needs, desires, or feelings.
They are acts of kindness, generosity and affection no intrinsically pleasing to people; they are important aspects of every relationship. These behaviors become problematic when prioritizing others has chronic and negative impacts on oneself.
You may experience the pattern that people like in your romantic relationship if you:
- He has been involved in numerous unilateral relations that are all “give” and not “take”
- You have difficulty knowing and naming your own feelings and needs, especially when they are different from your partner.
- Experience immense difficulty saying no, setting boundaries, and setting boundaries with your partner
- Repeatedly lose your sense of identity in your romantic relationships
When you please your relationship, you slowly lose touch with your sense of identity. Fortunately, there are specific steps to take to break the pattern that people like and bring a true, empowered self to all of your relationships, including the romantic one.
Where does pleasure come from?
Somewhere along the way, many people learned that liking others was the key to gaining approval, affection, and love. It is not surprising that pleasing people tends to arise where the pursuit of romantic love is paramount.
Pleasure in people happens in relationships for several reasons. Here are a few:
- In response to trauma. Instead of running away, being frightened, or freezing, those who have been traumatized may experience flattery: liking, congratulating, or gratifying others in order to regain a sense of security. Tian Dayton, PhD., Writes in Emotional sobriety“Children who regularly suffer from trauma learn that they can avoid problems by staying hyper-focused in reading the emotional cues of others. As a result, they become very adept at reading the moods of others, often to the exclusion. They usually focus on the outside and may lose touch with what’s going on inside them. “
- Like the way they taught you to receive love. The pattern that people like develops as a result of having caregivers who could not (or would not) reflect their children, that is, could not recognize, validate, and sit with emotions and experiences. To be seen by caregivers, you learned to neglect your own feelings and relate to others based on their emotions and experiences. Thus, you became a listener, repairman, and / or chronic helper.
- In response to oppression or stigma. Someone in a position of financial insecurity may have to choose between liking people at work or with their partner or living on the street and not being able to feed their children. People who face widespread oppression and stigma (e.g., people of color, LGBTQ +, and others) may be forced to tolerate difficult situations or risk further harm and the real threat of violence.
The pattern that people like is likely to hurt your relationship, and it is definitely hurting you. When you stop liking people in romantic relationships, the benefits are tenfold:
- When you act authentically and take up space with your real needs and feelings, you can really discern if that connection fits your true self well.
- When you give to your partner, it comes from a place of authenticity, joy and generosity instead of obligation, guilt and hidden resentment.
- You become more self-esteem, you respect yourself and you feel more like him author of your own story instead of passive addendums to the stories of others
How to start breaking the pattern
Learn to identify your needs and desires
The diary can be an incredibly powerful way to dig into what you do really wanting from below the layers of conditioned-nice people.
In your diary, imagine a magical land where all the preferences you express are met with acceptance. Whether you suggest going to the movies or driving in the Sahara Desert, you’ll always hear “Sounds Great!”
If you were in this magical land, how would you choose to spend your time? What activities would you like to participate in? Where would you like to go on holiday?
This scenario gives you the opportunity to find out what you really want when you are not making decisions based on pleasing your partner.
Get back to your body
Thanking people leads them to live chronically in another person’s mind, heart, and body. A good way to go back and prioritize the self is to do it literally return to yourself with a grounding exercise.
If you have the opportunity to have people please, like when you plan your plans for the week, say “Let me think about it” and pause.
Take a deep breath and watch the air come in and out of your lungs. Feel the pressure of your feet on the ground. Extend your consciousness to the ends of your body: toes, fingertips, scalp.
Tune in to your own body and refocus it as a place for your own experience. From this site, you may be wondering: What do I want right now? and see what comes up.
Boundaries are a form of self-protection. They clearly state what you will tolerate or not and set clear expectations and limitations in relationships with others.
A simple breakdown of the process is something like this:
- Watch when you feel resentful, angry, overwhelmed, or exhausted in your relationship with your partner
- When these emotions arise, ask yourself, “What unmet need is this emotion drawing my attention to?” Need more space? A little affection? Fairer distribution of household chores? A break from your partner’s sexual advances?
- Think about how you can express this need to your partner. You can use simple statements like “In the future, please ____” o “I feel ____ when you ____; please don’t do it again “.
- Indicate your limit
Some boundaries may seem harder to set than others. You may find it easy to ask your partner to do his or her fair share of household chores, while setting boundaries in the bedroom is more difficult. For the toughest limits, consider writing some simple scripts in advance. You can even practice saying them out loud in the mirror before telling your partner.
Avoid neglecting self-care at all costs
Especially in the early stages of a new love affair, it is common to neglect self-care as you are surrounded by love and affection. You may have said, “I should really sleep more, but staying awake with you is too much fun” or “I know I’m supposed to see friends tonight, but all I want is to spend time with you.”
Those who struggle with the people they like should be wary of these little sacrifices of their own. If you sacrifice your needs at the beginning of a relationship, doing so can quickly become a rule rather than an exception. Like all habits, this can be difficult to break.
Basic self-care is a prerequisite for a strong sense of self. And what better way to show you that your needs are important than to meet your most basic needs yourself?
Make a list of your basic non-negotiable self-care: the activities you need to do to feel healthy and stable. This can seem like getting enough sleep, healthy eating, meeting friends, or staying within your budget.
For those who like people in recovery, it is crucial to prioritize these basic needs of self-care. The partner that suits you best will do it to want you to take care of yourself.
Observe when you take your partner’s emotions as your own
When you find yourself in the middle of people you like, you may not even realize that you are taking the emotions of others as your own because it is very natural. As I recently shared in “How I stopped trying to control my partner and took responsibility for my own happiness,” remember that helping a loved one in a time of need is natural, but feeling responsible for ” “fixing your pain can also be a sign that your emotional limits may be reinforcing.
When you notice that you feel a strong emotion in the company of your partner, I recommend that you ask yourself, “Is this feeling mine? I feel it theirs emotion? “
If what you feel belongs to your partner, instead of incorporating his or her emotions or speeding you up immediately, ask, “How can I be here for you right now? Looking for tips and solutions, or someone listening to you? “
Less like people = More authentic love
All relationships require giving and receiving. In association, everyone Occasionally puts the needs of your partners before yours, which can be a loving and supportive thing. This only becomes problematic when this occasional act of love becomes a chronic and repeated act of self-neglect and you get lost in the process.
Break the pattern that people like in your relationship yes no it means you will become a cold, selfish or demanding partner. It just means that you will not find yourself in an unbalanced association that makes you feel resentful.
You can give freely and lovingly to your partner without any commitment. You will cover your needs while being available for the love, help, and support of your partner.
Do you want to break the pattern that people like once and for all? Join me in my virtual workshops Brave Dating for Recovering People Who Like and Setting Empowered Boundaries for Recovering People.
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