When people like perfectionists or excessive thinkers who are likely to be prone to over-responsibility and over-responsibility, there may be a tendency to want to control the ends, including how the other party perceives us. . We go through a rupture or a rupture, or something happens in which we feel that people are misunderstood or underestimated our goodness, and we will pursue “closure,” sometimes exhaustively. It becomes a battle to prove that we are a good personTM.
It is human to want to seek a resolution and a conclusion for our emotional experiences.
We want to put things in perspective, feel that a line has been drawn. There may be a desire to amend, to agree, and to disagree. It can be the feeling of wanting everyone to accept what has happened and move forward in peace.
Let’s be real, though: us do not do it how to feel that someone has what we consider a negative or unjustified perception of us. Surely we don’t like to feel like someone has escaped or there will be no apology or acknowledgment. Even what they want each party to reach acceptance and move forward through our designated form of closure stinks of our uncontrollable ways of controlling them.
Um, what if they are Okay, that’s it We Isn’t that right?
What if they take longer than we feel comfortable with?
What if they are okay with us i also done on this topic?
And if they are resolved and concluded theirs emotional experience but not necessary ours entrance?
When we are invested in our goodness, in our inherent sense of being a good, decent, loving person, no having closure feels bad. It feels unfair; it feels like a trial.
As one person told me, “It doesn’t matter what happened between us; no matter what an ex did to me in a relationship, we always ended up being friends (or at least in civil terms). I don’t understand why this ex doesn’t want to do things right. Am I really that bad? Do they just want to continue as if our relationship had not passed? Note in the margin: they did not describe friendship o closure; it was letting go of their exes instead of facing their own limits.
It is the pursuit of what we see as “closure” that makes us behave adelimited paths. We push the boundaries because we are all in the “us” of our idea of a set experience when it really comes to the “I” of ours individual experience. Because we think we’re being “nice” (or “bad”), we think it’s okay to keep sending emails, calls, text messages, insisting, or meeting to discuss. We think they should want to do things right between us because We do in spite of their actions. This mentality blinds us, however, to what can become invasive and controlling behavior.
We are no looking for closure. I know It’s heard as we are, but we are not. What we are trying to do is to win.
We are trying to be right. We are trying to keep the door open open and what We no need to confront oursdown. Our ego is hurt.
Not that they’re The Greatest Person on EarthTM. Maybe we couldn’t even have a really meaningful relationship with them. We want to win by having the last word or making them feel guilty. We want repairs for those places where we feel counterfeit, used or abused. And that is completely human. But when we see our emotional state and poor boundaries as someone else’s problem, we are May will have closure.
Feeling like us to own to talk to them to close highlights where we already trusted them to define ourselves and the relationship.
And no explanation, no answer, will be enough for the ‘closure’ if what we do really The desire is for this person to validate an old unmet need from the past.
Even if what we want is not a closing but a fairy tale ending where they spontaneously burn in the person we want, we don’t have to evolve and deal with our limits. Definitely, “closing” will not be enough if we want them to fill a gap, to fix something we are doing.
Of course, this person acknowledges and apologizes I could make us feel better. May be. Even if they do, it will be temporary. If we are not yet responsible ours limits, then we will continue to think, behave, and choose in the same way that contributed to our pain. As a result, we will victimize ourselves no matter what anyone else does. We could even try to get back to the person.
When we want to close but we feel that the other person is not giving it to us, it is “holding back”, we have to take a step back. We must recognize where we are not only ceding our power, but pursuing a hidden agenda. What’s really going on here? What luggage is behind it? Is this who I want to be? Does trying to be right and win make me more than I am or less? Am I using this situation to avoid dealing with something else? Is that how I want to feel and keep feeling? How can I lock myself in to have healthier limits in my care?
The situation does not mean that we are a bad person. Just because they don’t want to do our closing version doesn’t mean we’re not a good person.
Our emotional experience is not the same as someone else’s, even when are part of the events that contributed to it. So, independently, we will always be the ones who give us permission to resolve and conclude by allowing ourselves to move forward one day, one step at a time.
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